If you’ve been listening to the Money Without Math podcast (previously FRESH OFF THE VINE), you may have picked up on a common theme: money intersects with nearly every aspect of our lives. From our work to our health and relationships, we must regularly address money issues that are available in a wide variety of flavors and sizes. Money doesn’t just exist in our wallets or on account statements, and math alone will only get us so far. We can’t budget our way out of a disagreement with a coworker or spouse, for example. We need to be equipped to deal with money in these various capacities, and that requires more than purely financial acumen.
In particular, the ability to have productive and healthy conversations around money—with your partner, or your parents or children—has been a reoccurring theme on the podcast. Dr. Joy Lere, a licensed clinical psychologist, described how we act out using money when communication is lacking. Denise Logan, author and former attorney, described a similar outcome for business owners during the emotional process of selling a business. Dan Solin, also a former attorney as well as New York Times bestselling author, shared several practical tips for approaching difficult conversations on the show.
I invited psychologist and family wealth consultant Dr. Moira Somers to discuss her work and in particular, a blog she wrote about the top 10 financial skills needed for modern families. What I noticed is that her list contained not just the standard advice around saving regularly and spending wisely, but also encourages developing marketable skills and having healthy money conversations. These are the lists that we need to see! As she shared on the show, “So many of the financial skills needed in modern families actually have to do with communication, and being willing to have courageous conversations, and tender conversations.”
We all know communication is important, but few of us are taught how to do it in a productive, healthy way when it comes to difficult topics like money. When those conversations with our spouses, our children, or our business partners don’t go well, when we are arguing or tensions are running high, we don’t need to draw on our math skills. We need better communication skills!
But let’s face it, “Communication is key” isn’t the most helpful advice. We hear it all the time, without anybody breaking down the how. How to bring up a difficult topic. How to have arguments that don’t cause lasting damage. How to give constructive feedback or take criticism.
So here are just a few practical recommendations that I’ve gleaned from the pros over the years:
Be thoughtful of the time and the place and the emotional state that you’re in. Are you coming from a place of anger, or love? Which one will be more productive? Dr. Lere talks about an emotional thermostat and the ability to think clearly before engaging in conversation. You want to “strike when the iron is cold.”
Be neutral. Consider how many sentences begin with “You…” as in “You always…” or “You never…” These are very charged statements and will only put someone quickly on the defensive. Don’t attack, use “I” statements. With two teenage sons, I’ve worked to replace “Yous!” with more “I” statements. As in, “I would really like to see you spend fifteen minutes picking up your room.” It works!
Be curious. Ask, don’t assume. Ask questions with genuine interest and empathy, and listen from a place of love, understanding, and repair. Don’t interrupt or interject.
Like any skills worth acquiring, becoming a better communicator takes practice and patience. What have you learned over the years? What are your top communication takeaways? I’d love to hear from you. And for more helpful insights, keep listening—to those around you of course, and the podcast! Please follow and tune in to the latest episodes.